Could've Been
by Thindy
Summary: When you have your chance...take it!


TITLE: "Could've Been"

AUTHOR: Cindy ()  
>RATING: PG<br>DISCLAIMER: The characters used from the West Wing do not belong to me; they are the property of Aaron Sorkin.

CJ entered her office and threw down the papers that she had been carrying around with her for the past half hour. She stood in front of her desk and blew her hair away from her face and sighed. Her whole body felt drained and she was so desperate to speak with someone only there wasn't anyone around that she could trust.

CJ stepped back until she was able to reach the door with her right hand and swing it hard enough to close. Then she took a seat behind her desk and turned on her computer. She typed in lakcajeht which was her username for MSN.

She waited as the program began to connect and within seconds she was online. She chose actions from the menu bar and clicked on go to chat. From there she went into her favourite room which she had marked. There was only one person besides herself sitting in the room "Politics Rock."

CJ sighed again disappointed with the company she was with. She had jumped to the conclusion that anyone with the username 1800_Babe_Magnet had to be someone not worth talking to.

She decided against her better judgment and typed in, "Hello."

She waited for a good two minutes and was debating about just exiting all together when he typed back, "Hi there."

For the first time in the last three hours CJ smiled. She typed back, "How are you?"

He didn't make her wait this time, "I'm good and yourself?"

Should she be honest? CJ thought to herself. She shrugged and figured why not? It wasn't like they knew who she was.

"Not too good to be honest. And yourself?"

"I'm sorry to read that," he replied.

CJ released a slight laugh as she finished reading his comment. "Would you care to spill your guts to a complete and total stranger?" the stranger asked.

CJ hesitated while staring at her blinking cursor. 1800_Babe_Magnet took notice and wrote, "I understand if you don't want to. I apologize if I was too forward."

CJ typed back, "It's against my better judgment but sometimes one needs to vent."

"Well go ahead then. I'm a good listener."

He typed back quickly, "Make that a good reader."

Again CJ smiled, "What the hell," she said aloud and began to type. "Guy trouble."

"Oh oh," 1800 wrote back. "This is not my area of expertise."

"I thought you were a good reader though?" CJ wrote back.

"I'm shutting up and reading," he replied.

"Have you ever liked someone from afar before?"

"Yes," he responded rather fast. "Is that what you're doing?"

"Yes."

"Not good," he said. "You've got to go for it before it's too late."

"I'm afraid it already is."

"How do you know for sure?"

"He's about to become a father."

"Yep that will do it," 1800 wrote back.

CJ shook her head. "I shouldn't have waited so long but I thought I had more time."

"Do you know if he feels the same way about you?"

"No he doesn't. He thinks we are just friends."

"He might have felt the same way you know. Men don't always admit their true feelings."

"Are we speaking from experience?"

"Damn right. As much as I hate to admit it, I've allowed many good women to slip by."

"Does it always hurt for long?"

"Yes," he answered back.

"I've been having these selfish thoughts where he would stop loving her so much and realize that he loved me. And we'd get together and I'd be allowed to show him how much love and affection I had for him."

"That's not selfish."

"Sure it is. I've been dreaming of another woman being hurt."

"Wouldn't you rather her be hurt than yourself?"

"No," CJ typed but aloud she said, "Yes."

"Then you must be one hell of a woman because I don't know very many that would feel the way you do."

"My father always said I was special."

"LOL," he wrote making CJ laugh.

"Must be a quality this guy overlooked. A shame if you ask me."

"I don't know about that," CJ wrote back. This guy was pretty cool she thought to herself. She was even starting to feel a little better.

"Can I ask what made today different for you?"

"I don't know. I guess it was when I found out he bought her a house. I mean I think the gesture is lovely and all but I was, I don't know."

"Jealous?"

"Yeah," CJ wrote sighing again.

"Kind of makes that dream seem farther away doesn't it?"

"Yes," she wrote back typing the word slowly.

"I still say you should tell him."

"Tell him? How?"

"Easy. You go up to him and you spill your guts out to him. What's the worst that can happen?"

"He hates me and I lose him as my friend." CJ couldn't believe what this guy was suggesting.

"You wouldn't lose him as a friend and I doubt he'd hate you. I bet he'd be flattered."

"Well that's nice for him but that's not what I had in mind. If I'm going to humiliate myself I'm not about to go and do it that way."

"You see I don't get you women. How is being honest with yourselves humiliating?"

"Whose your favourite actress?"

"Changing the subject are we? LOL"

"Not at all. I'm trying to make a point."

"Well only because I'm curious, I'm going to answer you by saying Kate Hudson."

"She's beautiful," CJ admitted.

"Among other things."

"If you had the opportunity to meet her would you admit that you've had a crush on her?"

"Sure. I'm sure every guy she's met has told her that."

"And when she replies that she's flattered but you'd never stand a chance with her would you walk away feeling proud or humiliated?"

"You sure go to extremes to make a point."

"You noticed that huh," CJ typed back.

"I hate to break our conversation but I've got to get back to work. I hope that the rest of your day is better and it was a pleasure talking to you."

"Thanks. It was nice of you to listen to me babble."

"Anytime. I told you I was a good reader."

"Yes you did. Take care."

"You too," and with that he left the chat room leaving CJ all alone.

CJ closed down MSN and sat back in her chair and twirled herself around so that she could see Gail her goldfish. "Oh you would have done the same thing if you didn't have gills and live in a bowl," CJ said aloud to her fish.

There was a knock on the door. "Come in," she yelled.

Josh stepped inside CJ's office and closed the door behind him. "Hi CJ. Are you feeling any better?"

"What? I'm fine Josh," CJ said trying to hide her feelings. She gave Josh a fake smile.

He stepped forward and held out his hand, "1800 Babe Magnet in the flesh."

CJ stared at Josh. She could actually feel the blood leaving her face and her heartbeat twice as fast, "I'm sorry," she stuttered.

"CJ it was me you were just talking too."

"I'm not following you Josh," she lied. Her mind was racing as well as her pulse.

"How long have you been having these feelings for Toby?" Josh took a seat on the edge of CJ's desk.

She stood up and smoothed her blouse, "I don't have time for this Josh."

"CJ," Josh said with a soft voice, one of understanding. "Why didn't you ever tell him?"

CJ gave up. She wiped her brow and looked Josh in the eyes, "I was afraid." Tears began to fill her eyes.

"I'm so sorry CJ," Josh said getting off of CJ's desk and walking around it to where she was still standing. He placed his hand on her arm gently.

"I waited too long and now I've lost him Josh," CJ finally let go and began to cry. Josh pulled her into his arms and tried his best to comfort her as she cried harder on his shoulder.

He began to rub her back as he said, "It's okay. Let it all out."

She continued to cry for a minute or so. Through her tears she said, "I'm ruining your shirt."

"That's okay, it wasn't one of my favourites anyway."

CJ laughed as she pulled herself away and wiped her eyes with her sleeve. Josh leaned over her desk and grabbed the box of tissues that CJ had.

He took a few from the box and handed them to CJ who took them and used them to wipe her face. "I feel so foolish."

"For what? Having a heart? Being in love?"

"Okay," she sniffled. "They all sound about right."

"Love hurts. It's a fact."

CJ looked at Josh as if he was from another planet, "Hey believe it or not I have been in love before. I may not have been good at it but I was definitely in it."

"What happened?" CJ asked feeling herself calming down.

"I opened my mouth," Josh teased. CJ laughed and Josh did as well.

"Hey," CJ said. "How did you know it was me?"

"A few things tipped me off and then it was just a matter of putting it all together."

"Like what?"

"Well first of all the name you were using was the jackal spelled backwards. I admit that one took me a bit to decipher, which was brilliant by the way. And then there was the fact that the guy you happened to be in love with was not only having a baby but had just recently bought her a house….well you can guess where I got that from."

CJ laughed as she realized how simple it would have been for him to draw his own conclusion. Then her face grew sour as she asked, "You won't tell him will you? Or anyone else?"

"Of course not," he said in almost a whisper.

"Good," CJ sighed with relief.

"And you won't tell anyone that I'm 1 800 Babe Magnet right?"

"That you can definitely count on," CJ said teasing Josh.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm much better thanks to you."

"That's what I'm here for. You see people just think of me as this babe with brains. They don't realize there is much more to Josh Lyman."

"Not much I hope."

"Oh God no. I'm too selfish and egotistic to have room for anything else," Josh winked as he left CJ's office.

He had thought about confessing Toby's secret of his affection for CJ over the years but was happy when he decided against it. It would have only caused more hurt and that was the last thing he wanted to do for CJ. Someone he too had been admiring from afar.

But this was also not the time to tell her that either. He would wait for that time. But from this experience he knew he wasn't going to wait too long. Just long enough for CJ to put the pieces of her heart back together.

The end.


End file.
